Unchurched: A Clean Conscience

by Lanascopic

When you hear of anyone declaring she is unchurched you might get mental images of her going to bed at night after setting the thermostat, locking the doors, and dimming the lights, without praying two words. That isn’t my approach. I’m a good girl. I pray, and I believe, I just don’t go to church. 

What kind of God do I believe in that I should feel fine in minding my own business, saying my prayers, but not attending any Sunday sermon? My God is the Universal God, who I sometimes refer to as the Universe because in my theory and in my bones, God is the Consciousness of the Universe. The Universe is mysterious, massive, endless. God is everywhere, in all things. If he weren't then he would not be too great, just an ordinary god, the god of leaves or the god of clouds, or the god of water puddles. I recognize and regularly communicate with the God of the Universe. 

I see this God really as neither male nor female but a little more masculine than feminine, so I cooperate in calling him he. God has no, uh, equipment. We call him he for our own convenience, not because it particularly pleases God. God never said, "I am a Male God." So, my God is more than strictly male. He can be everything he wants to be, and like we do, he has traits of both male and female. And this is the God of many world religions, both ancient and modern, not only the Christian God. 

If he is only the Christian God, what can I do with him? Should I look at him and say to myself, "Oh, he loves only Christians, guess I better do the same?" Despicable. Shame.  

And: No. 

Do I believe in Jesus? I don't see the story the way others do, that he died on the cross because he had to spill his blood, that this creepy ancient idea about his blood, blood, blood, has much to do with the real reason behind the story. Do I think it happened? I don't see why not. The event was recorded as history, and I have no reason to doubt the account of this event. I do think it's a pretty interesting coincidence, though, that the only begotten Son of God is strictly a Jew from Galilee, and that there's only one Son of God, however I'm sure there's more to the story. 

As for the blood, there's more to the story there, too. Frankly and kindly, I assert that God communicated with ancient humans in ways they'd best understand. They understood the obligation of a blood sacrifice based in prior world religions. Yes, technically speaking, God sacrificed Jesus— but am I four years old? Do I think God destroyed his child as a sacrifice like someone kills a bird? He sacrificed the sheltering of his child to the society of earth, and his son's soul returned conscious to heaven. Do I need someone to say to me, "Oh, yes child. The Blood. The Blood!" Sorry, no. I think it has more to do with God observing Jesus as he walked the earth and developed relations with the rotten humans that God wasn't impressed with. If Jesus could love us, even after humans put him through torture, if he could forgive us, if he said to God, "I was there in the flesh. I know what it's like to be a human now. It's very hard. And they need guidance, love, compassion, and our forgiveness, Father," then God would open his heart to us. And that’s what happened. 

So, blood? Not literally. 

Blood is a metaphor for "God's emotional human experience on Earth." 

Flesh is a metaphor for, "God's physical human experience on Earth." 

Is that biblical? Well, how to wire your house with electricity, the use of penicillin, and professional counselors aren't biblical. But they are great ideas, and if anyone opted out of these beneficial conventions, which are based on knowledge and reason, God would squint at them in wonder. If a human is just an android of flesh meant to be programmed by a Bible and nothing more than that limitation would make humans more like angels with no free will and no reasoning. God gives us reasoning. I can't help it if some people are afraid of their own reasoning. Maybe they have reason to be. I do not. I've spent my life contemplating God. 

You see, with attitudes like mine, I doubt any church would let me hang around without trying to get under my soul and inside my skull. A person knows when she is deeply convicted of something. And there's a difference between feeling convicted to accept what you're told by convincing yourself it’s the truth and being convicted because you have chewed it over carefully. You must believe because there is reasoning involved, not just because you long to please God by pleasing the humans who claim to be his Voice or speak for him. 

We all know that. 

I've been there, to church. A lot. I'm well familiar with all of it, all the Bible verses, all the ideas and beliefs. I know what to expect, particularly while living in this Bible Belt that I'll escape someday: They will alter my grace so it grows hard and brittle, they will teach me to look down on others, to have the audacity to elevate my Christian butt above outsiders as if I'm better, superior. They will instill me with irrational fears of every kind imaginable: of God's wrath, of demon attacks, of hell, and of pleasure- even healthy pleasures. I will become imbittered, prudish, and afraid. And above all, I'll be a fake. 

I will stop the world before I fall into the helltrap of walking around on God's earth as a living fake. I know the routine, I know how pretty it looks, how everybody smiles and pretends they are nice photos of themselves walking around posing, benefiting no outsiders. Abominable. 

It breaks my heart. Church has positive outcomes for some people. I recognize that. Some people might become depressed, bitter, and fearful without church. There are churches outside the Bible Belt, too. For them, it's not a problem. 

I wholeheartedly respect that, and I genuinely support them. I think church is a good thing in some communities and for certain people.   

I'm not out there with a picket sign saying, "Defund the church." Not whatsoever. My neighbors are churched, we get along fine. 

I believe in many of the positive values that people may learn in church: Honesty, respect, love, grace is a huge one for me. I believe in helping everybody who needs help whether they are children or convicted murderers on death row. The world is suffering. I'm not immodest or on drugs, not a thief or liar, not a Scrooge or atheist just because I do not enter myself into the Temple of the People of the Lord. 

Yes, I do draw that distinction. There are some churches that feel like the Temple of God. You can feel this. It's palpable in your veins. 

Though, most churches, in my humble opinion, are genuine counterfeit Temples of God. Does God himself not convey to humans to beware of false prophets, of false anythings? Sure, a teenager can use that line to squiggle out of going to church because he wants to stay home and play games online. I'm no teenager. My discretion is well developed; I'm no fool, and I'm no wicked hell bound creature, either. 

I love my God of the Universe. 

God would certainly be hurt and offended if I loved the church instead of God, if I put him second to it rather than placing him ahead of it. Here's the sad reality: many church goers do exactly that, they put God second to the church, even second to the Bible. 

That makes me feel like I wanna cry inside. They don't see what they're doing. They are being like Antichrists, if even inadvertently. 

Clearly, I'm no standard Christian, though admittedly that has a lot more to do with an aversion to being Standard Anything than it does with any aversion toward being Christian. Our modern standards, our cultural standards, they bleed into and may corrupt our ancient Christianity, rather than develop it as what it's meant to be. 

Ancient Christianity would not have any proud pastor in a fine suit park his Cadilac then walk past a couple of suspicious looking characters in clear need of clothes and shoes, only to stride into the bank, or the fancy hotel convention, or the ice-skating rink with his family and without turning around to check on these ragged people. Give something. 

Too many nose-powdered Christian ladies will call the cops on any ragged man or woman seated outside any establishment asking for money. I've seen it with my eyes and listened with my ears as such women got on the phone to summon officers of the law. It's ugly. 

Jesus would never behave that way. In fact, he'd be the barefoot guy, the one who needed a meal, if not the first one to wrap his arms around those filthy strangers. 

Germaphobes, vagrant phobics, crime phobics. I'm sorry if that's what they've turned into. They weren't that way as teenagers— we hope. 

What's their behavior got to do with me and church, though? 

Nothing— as long as I don't immerse myself into the spheres of their influences. 

I'm not that strong. It’s true. I won't sweep that truth under the rug just to save face or put on airs to impress others. The last thing God created me to do was to impress other people, especially at the risk of my own soul or sanity. 

Some would counter me by saying, "Well, your ideas are dangerous. What if everybody started saying all that, there'd be no people left in church." 

Is that true, though? Since I'm a unique fringe individual and the majority of people in church prefer to join the higher ranks of the status quo and keep with mainstream society, I highly doubt that anyone would soak in my sentiments to claim as their own if only to quit church and loose the circle they’ve established.

Unless, of course, their hearts weren't in church to begin with. In that case, my sentiments have not changed them one lick but have only served to expose their true feelings. Those shouldn't be suppressed. They should be dealt with. 

If anyone in their circle wants to talk to them about why they claim to feel like I do, they should. Maybe they'll resolve the problem for that person, provided it is in fact resolvable. It might be a genuine position they hold. 

And if it is? 

It's going to have to be between them and God. I can't with any good conscience condone anyone encouraging anyone else to play it off and go on living as a fake in the sight of the all-knowing God. I'd be so guilty of an unwritten sin if I did that my nose would visibly grow— because I'd be a dishonest person encouraging more dishonesty in others. 

Sorry. Can't do that. I have a conscience. 

Then what can I do. Do I see myself as ever going to any church? 

Herin lies the final, most fundamental problem I have with church: 

It's been documented by social scientists and its well known by any country boy and his kid brother that when people routinely gather in large groups they will all eventually become of one mind. This is dangerous beyond being a fake, because when this happens it closes minds, places souls under lock and key, they are prisoners to an institution. The most devoted are the most imprisoned. 

I think churches have no business growing to one hundred, five hundred, or five thousand members. What is this, politics? A global rock concert? The most expensive luxury building around for humble people? There's nothing that’s personal about being part of something that big, because you lose your individuality to a great degree seeped in something so large, especially if you're one who deeply devotes yourself to any cause you join, and a people-pleaser, and void of a healthy degree of presence of mind. 

There may come a time when I go to some small church filled with more honest people than not, more genuine, true, real people, and with a pastor who encourages his congregation to love the lost murderer and help the hungry thieves instead of condemning them. 

Maybe somewhere out there over the rainbow I'll find a church where hell isn't a weapon in the fleshly hand ready to be boom-pow thrown at anyone like some trump card that'll sure show them. Maybe there will be a church where I won't feel like I have to keep vigil and uptight to beware of other people's bad influences, you know the ones— they look socially acceptable, smile, are beloved by many, yet spout nasty words wrapped in shimmering colors through glamorously obsessive-white teeth, changing the face of church and of God, giving them both a convincing though unnatural appearance, associating them with a type of worldly outlook that no real seeker has any interest in. 

Some even succeed at denying spiritual experiences— insisting that messages from God in visions or dream experiences are never possible in modern times. It’s like they’re trying to turn the rest of the congregation into creatures of walking flesh. No thank you. There’s a spirit inside my flesh, and I value it more than glamour or status. 

I am unchurched, but my mind and soul are far from dead. The God I know and love isn't petty. He isn't overstrict, either. He's not entirely unchanging, so I don't take that too literally, and he's placed the capacity to use reason in the heart of every person. 

The important thing is this: While I may be unchurched, I humbly know that I am valuable to God, that I suffer from no self-imposed pretender syndrome, unteachable in the sight of God, that I don't try to fool God about anything, and that God understands me, he knows my intentions, he knows my heart. 

I trust the God of the Universe and after all I've endured in my life I don't blame God for my suffering, nor do I hold God to any unreasonable expectations in my favor. 

I am fair with God. I learned to be fair from God. 

That is the most important position to have in this life, to be fair. It means you’re honest, balanced, kind, and compassionate. 

I am right where I need to be. 

If ever the time comes when I need to do anything differently, I'll know it. 

The question is: Why would I want you to know this about me? 

Because honesty is friendliness, honesty is love: it allows others to make an informed choice about whether to accept me and my many written perspectives or to run for the hills. I have no interest in bamboozling anyone into having a deluded impression of me. Whether you accept me partially, impartially, or not at all is a decision that I’d never try to influence through a fake persona. The results eventually become uncomfortable for all parties when anyone does that. I’m not up for that, which is why I relate, having zero doubt that others aren’t either. That is why I want others to know where I’m coming from. 

I want everyone to be right where they need to be. And I’m convinced God wants no less for any of us than to attain our correct paths with assuredness.